Strange...

The appointed date for submission of our poorly written and conceived essays for Health Promotion is coming soon, as is the date for the Drugs and Disease Class Test. It's interesting in a way, but I'm more inclined to believe that by now I should be worried and concerned that I have read and covered so little for the class test, especially after that workshop on it the other day. Strangely though, I didn't, and still don't, have the drive and motivation to study hard for it, which I really require if I should need to perform relatively well in it. I'm sure my distaste for studying had something to do with it, although I also think I'm slowly getting detached from the real world, and the things that we have to face constantly. Denial, if you will. I don't really know why, and I hope that in time I may become more in touch with reality and getting more involved in it, not only physically, which sometimes you can't run away from, but mentally as well; and in this case, very very vulnerable to detachment.

Nevertheless, the past month has been quite uneventful, and I revel in that sometimes. Being involved tires me, and I like to sit back and watch the world go by at times, although I could do without the inevitable feelings of guilt that I have procrastinated yet again and not done anything useful to the society, and to a larger extent, for myself. Basically, the daily routines are similar on a day to day basis; we go to the university, we sit down for lectures, complain if the lectures go on for too long, go for the occasional workshop after lunch and then go home. Most of the time, I'd be staring in a daze at the lecturer, and for all the good in the world, the rest of the batch thinks I'm actually paying attention and listening to every word, when in fact I was daydreaming. That's part of the reason I'm wholly convinced I'm actually quite detached.

Another strange thing is, although our 'official' hours in university is getting shorter and shorter, I grow more and more exhausted by the end of the day and a good nap is mandatory, if I was to perform well the next day. Napping is well and good, for me at least. I'm sure loads would beg to differ, as most of them view it as a waste of time and your life. I must say, reluctant as I was to admit it, there is a hint of truth to this opinion. Why should we waste so many of our precious hours sleeping when we could do other things, things which open our eyes to the secrets of the world, experiences leaving us shivering in delight, the adrenaline-filled, exciting feel of looking into the eyes of our opponent as we try to discern and interpret his next move in a game of cat and mouse, be it chess or tennis, and miracles of the culinary world that sends us careening into the very depths of our soul, sating our hunger and thirst for the almost-ethereal sensations which grace our taste buds? It's all very well, but if I may, napping can also be considered a form of hobby. If socialising and sports is not our cup of tea, then what would our precious, hard earned free hours be used for? I would use it for napping, albeit not everytime. The greatest gift sleeping has given me is to forget, much like alcohol does to others. I can choose to enter a black void of emptiness for the next hour or so, or perhaps wander in the dreamworld, where worldly woes, worries and doubts simply cease to exist, at least for a while.

I suppose this is why people often wonder why I look into the distance sometimes, as if I was staring at something. In truth, I was simply trying to 'fall asleep' while awake, so to speak. In other words, daydream. I often wondered if there is something more to this life, than our day to day trudging to the university. It feels sad. I wished something strange would happen in my life, sort of like in a fantasy setting. Something different than our daily dull, uninteresting existence. Then again, it's all just a dream isn't it?

How is EXTEMPO spelt? It's F-A-I-L-E-D of course!

Sem 4 came and suddenly we're smack right in the middle of it. Apart from dealing with the increasingly dull and boring lectures we have to endure day after day, there hasn't been much activity. Well, there was the seniors leaving for their hols and preparation for going off to Glasgow. In a way, I envy them. I want to go there too, but I suppose I'll have to pass Sem 4 first. That is IF I pass. And that brings me to my next point: Passing Sem 4: The woes and doubt.

Let me first iterate that Sem 4 is incredibly different from the previous semesters we have had. Those were more knowledge based, things like Biopharmacy, Physiology, Microbiology and Pharmacology. I'm not trying to say that there are no knowledge based subjects this semester, but they are interspersed with judgemental and ethical subjects, like Pharmacy Practice and Health Promotion. And were they dull! I'd rather endure beds of nails than hearing unending lectures regarding the proper way of handling medication, patient care and all that jazz. Technically the only saving grace of PP was the extemporaneous practicals. We learned how to pack powders, make suspensions, solutions, creams and ointments. But for every light side of things, there is a more malicious darker side lurking, waiting to pounce on unwary people. And yep, we were unwary. Very unwary in fact.

You see, there was a heavy price to pay for enjoyment of making stuff (not that I liked the practical sessions that much anyway). The price is: Extempo class test! It's 5% of the PP module and we have two hours to complete two products. After the mock exam we had, we were quite confident of being able to emulate what we did and escape relatively unscathed from the field of battle. Boy were we wrong! Everything that could go wrong did, and I'll bet no amount of time in this world can save us. Okay, to be fair in the mock exams we were given two and a half hours to complete two products so we had more time. BUT! That wasn't the point. Well, technically it was part of it actually. There were a few factors which caused our current predicament. For ease of reading I'll list it down:

1. Time, as previously stated.
2. Products to be made: We were given simple formulations and easy products (powders and suspensions in the mock versus powders and ointments)
3. The calculation!: The previous powders didn't require elaborate calculations but the class test did!
4. Lack of apparatus: We were given 1! weighing boat, and that was ridiculous in and of itself.

And I know there are many more. But suffice to say I was traumatised by the examiner coming over, scrutinising every little thing I did and deducting marks like it was going out of fashion. Anyway, there you have it. In the end, I handed up and empty sheet, labels hastily written (I bet doctors have better handwriting than I had that day) and failed products (ointments with specks of zinc oxide particles in them). Oh yes did I mention that I wrote 'cream' in the label instead of 'ointment'? Yep, it was that bad.

Still, I bet we'll one day look back on all of this and laugh it off, like we do with everything bad that's happened to us. But at the moment, I'm bipolar :D

Perhaps a whip is in order?

You know what? This isn't going to work if I don't update is it? I mean, it's ridiculous to start every new entry with the typical: "It's been ages since I last updated this blog." Perhaps I should stop being a total bum and start to haul my ass. But that's neither here nor there. Or is it the core issue? I wouldn't know, I'm not built with enough neurones to go about pondering life's mysteries and why I'm such a lazy ass when I should have been more spontaneous.

Ah, it's so blissful to be stupid sometimes. You can be an ignoramus and get away with it. People won't expect much of you, let alone put their hopes and dreams on you. And you're not responsible for all the shit that hit the fan. You can just go, "And YOU think I did this? Hello, what's my IQ again? You don't expect THIS from me do you?" And that'll probably make them think twice before putting the blame on you again. The smarter you are, the more people watch your every move, and the heavier your responsibilities. What was it they say? With great IQ comes great responsibilities? I'm pretty sure it was along that line anyway ;)

Yes yes, we all know it's been a long time and updates are WAY overdue. So I'm just going to put things into small nutshells and then we'll um... take it from there, if you get my drift. Where to start....

Ah yes, we'll start from Malaysian Studies project shall we? It's ironic, I said it was going to be a disaster with me at the helm and I was sincerely believing everything was crumbling apart around me, but then after one fateful day where I gave everyone a piece of my mind regarding their "enthusiasm" towards the project (actually someone said I almost cried \o/) and Mrs Phoong did her part in scolding the class did the whole class turned around and actually worked together! Ahhh, nothing like an old fashioned "high-pitched, tear-jerking" bitching to scorch Malaysian youths' asses into action. But all rants aside, it went quite well, considering some accidents. I can mostly relate stuff that's going on at the Sabah & Sarawak booth, coz that's where I was stationed. Strangely, loads of people like the kolo mee. In fact, so many people bought it the first day Crystal and Wei Nee kept cooking more. And just between you and me, it doesn't even taste like proper kolo mee. Then again, we didn't add pork oil and MSG, so that's only to be expected. A lot of people didn't like my mung bean sweetened soup. Meh, I liked it, so there! Second day was supposed to be a big day selling Sarawak laksa. But I suppose Lady Luck likes to butt in and add a little spice of her own when she feels particularly mischievous. The gravy that was supposed to go with the laksa was completely spilled, and there weren't much left. But I suppose accidents do happen and no one was to blame for that. It wouldn't be fair to him. All in all, everything went quite smoothly, we earned around 2000, which is quite nice. And most importantly everyone helped out. And the BEST thing out of this whole ordeal? I'm no longer the freaking president YAY! Let me just quietly fade to obscurity please.

Apart from the manic days of trying to finish assignments, which have been keeping me from updating the blog, apart from the "awesome" internet connection back in vista, the looming spectre ahead was dreaded by everyone . Yes, it's no other than the Sem 3 end-of-semester examinations. The difficulty has increased by several fold since Sem 2. I suppose it's only to be expected. After the first day where we had Physical Pharmacy (and apparently the easiest subject out of the four) I was traumatised. It wasn't as easy as I had hoped. And if that had already set the standard for the difficulty boy was I in for a treat! Second day was ironically better although it was supposed to be the hardest (Fundamentals of Pharmacology). Perhaps I've calmed down somewhat? Wishful thinking. It wasn't to last. The third day I died. Yep, I died. It was THAT bad. Biopharmacy was like a nightmare. And don't get me started on day 4. Microbio came and went and I was in a state of shock throughout the whole paper. I never imagined (nope, not even in my dreams, though those can be pretty bizarre sometimes) that those 3 questions would be asked in the essay section. So yeah, pretty much became bipolar. Manic laughter followed by bouts of depression. But we did celebrate, albeit in a strained mood (at least for me) by going out for dinner and later catching a late night show.

The next day was MUCH better. Maybe my mind was trying to shut off the part about Biopharmacy and Microbio that I just tend to deny they happened at all. And we went out :D Specifically with Khong Hern and Yun Peng. We went to Pyramid and I had the most expensive Japanese lunch ever! But the okonomiyaki was delish! Loads of walking about later, and ended up buying nothing. I suppose the one who got the most out of the shopping trip was Yun Peng. She bought quite a few pieces of clothing article. Apparently they're cheap. I wouldn't know. I'm not a girl. But it was a good way to relax and forget, which I did. At least till I reached back to vista. Then the depression set in again XD

Going home was an ordeal in and of itself. I was so unlucky to have to wait AGES for the LRT and the KTM. And to top it off, I reached the bus only to see it drive off and another one taking its place. More waiting. Finally for the creme de la creme, I missed my flight. Although there was another 20 minutes prior to departure. I left vista before 7 am. I missed my 9.45 am flight. What was the lesson? Don't freaking take AirAsia haha! I had to shell out 500 big ones for the MAS flight coz all AirAsia flights to Kuching was fully booked. Wonderful.

But here I am, wallowing in boredom in Kuching. Perhaps I shouldn't have come home? I don't know. It's certainly better than having to endure the atrocious internet connection in vista methinks.

The Niu Year is here!

Hmm I haven't been updating for quite some time have I? I suppose it's my fault, but I've been quite busy with Sem 3. You see, the orientation for P109 came and went, and mind you it's been awfully busy, what with the Physical Pharmacy class test coming up and stuff. So, major update then!

Well I was in the first group (again!) as Orientation Officer. Originally the 11 juniors were rather quiet. Hardly talked, need loads of prompting etc... But as time passes by they became quite engaging, and came up with the name Super Sexy Stalkers. Long, but catchy. Oh and there's this really talkative girl called Chandni. Chatty girls are fun to talk to. You can gossip with them and bitch about and get away with it :P Thing is, our group (that is, Kelvin, JS, Naveenah and I as OOs) is rather independent. I remembered last year's orientation. Our OO would scold us non-stop coz we were really bad at doing things on time and without supervision. But this year's dress code was mostly completed by them without help from our side. That's good, at least for us. We can worry about our class tests and the Microbio prac exam without having to worry about our juniors. It was fun, but I must say the feel wasn't quite there. I mean, last year we were all enthusiastic and ready to face all sorts of humiliation and stuff and still laugh it off, being cheered by everyone and all. But this year very few people turned up for the dress code days and the lecture theater was practically empty. That was sad. Seriously. People need to re-evaluate their priorities I know, but you shouldn't just ditch the juniors. And what's worse? Juniors themselves finding excuses and not coming. Well whatever. If they regret later it's their problem, not mine. Also I'm not as enthusiastic about playing in the treasure hunt and detective games as I was last year. Perhaps I'm just getting too old. Who knows? We did get an award for being the most sporting group though, so it was all good :)

Secondly, Physical Pharmacy went quite well, if I may say so myself. I thought Microbio prac exam would be a nightmare but it's quite straightforward too. So that leaves us with Biopharm, Microbio report and Foundation Pharm presentation to settle after the CNY break. Great.

CNY was eh.... fun in a way. I didn't go house visiting this year to my relatives' house too. I seriously can't be arsed to have to explain my current predicament to everyone. And go through all that again. So I chose to stay at home. And sleep. And sleep. It's also raining constantly. In fact, it's raining even now as I write this. Someone ought to go and tell the rain clouds off for being a spoilsport. But I like this small break. It gives me a chance to just sit back, relax and steel myself for the upcoming HUGE storm after the hols. Sigh.

A New Year, A New Resolution?

Mmm, it's that time of the year again... the time where old father 2008 grabs his cane and waves it wildly about trying to ward off people dethroning him and hopefully the cane connects with the infantile 2009 so he gets to stay. But we all know how that story ends don't we?

Another year passes, another year older and wiser etc etc... Well I don't buy all that baloney. You can choose to stay as young as you want... in the mind and heart of course. Your body will protest in ways you cannot even begin to fathom: a creak here, a tear there, some pulled muscles and perhaps an arthritic limb or two and you'll eventually join the masses of old neglected people with toothless grins sitting alone, absent-mindedly stroking their cats. It's sad really. But that's life for you.

I kinda like the more realistic approach to the new year. Instead of being oblivious to the fact that you're slowly ageing, most ignorant people tend to choose to end the year with a bang, a countdown, a party. Sure folks, party into your grave. Don't you know it's the new in? I find that with the approach of the new year, it's time for more contemplation and recollection of the past year and what you've missed out. Perhaps also to find ways to redeem your miserable existence you call life.

I'm being slightly pessimistic aren't I? Nah, I'm alright. If you don't expect so much, you won't be so disappointed :P Better not to aim too high, in case you should happen to fall (and yes, everyone falls sooner or later) the impact won't kill you. Yes, I think being optimistic is the way to go here. Definitely.

P.S. After all that drivel about people being idiotic when they go celebrate the coming new year, I'm actually going to participate in one too. After 23 years. Odd. I must be slowly going round the bend. Wish me luck.

Reassessment of my life?

You know, it's odd how sometimes when you think you've gone on for long stretches of time without anything interesting happening to your life and you expect it to continue for some time, suddenly BAM! Things just change 180 degrees. And just when you think your life has finally assumed a form that slightly resembles the word F-U-N or even interesting, life decides to be cruel to you and takes it all away and yup, back to the age of mellow and slow moving things. Like watching ants crawl along on their little trail, looking for crumbs of food. Or watching snails slowly inch forward. And perhaps even watching tortoises crawl. Yeah that.

My life was boring, mundane, and just when I thought that things will never change it did. For a brief time at least. Sort of like how you expect how your childhood will stay static when you're still young, but you suddenly find yourself all grown up, with responsibilities and problems you never even thought you'd encounter. All through my life in IMU I wouldn't say anything interesting has ever happened in my life. Well sure there's the occasional event that might make you arch your eyebrows slightly. But nothing that makes you go WOW!

I'm being longwinded I know. And yes, something rather big did happen. In fact on several levels. First, I went and volunteered for caroling in IOI mall. Well it was a church event, but it's actually organised by a non-profitable charity organisation. And it's a HUGE thing for me since I don't do singing in public. I just don't do it. It's strange. But I guess it's not that bad when you've got others singing with you. The first time we did it it was embarassing, singing was a bit off and we were way too fast. Fast Noel Noel simply doesn't cut it. Things got much better the second time though. We were still singing faster than usual, but it has a merry feel to it. Yeah merry Holy Nights. Can't get any better. It was still fun, albeit tiring.

Secondly. The most unexpected thing happened. The batch decided to vote me as president for the Malaysian Studies project. Totally not what I wanted, and after we went to all that trouble to get someone else to be president. Someone definitely more responsible and hardworking and more suitable for the job. But there you go. Nothing I can do about it you know, unless you want me to bitch and moan like a girl. I do admit I want to do that sometimes, but you can't win em all. So just do this one thing for the next month or so and I can finally slip back into the veil of unfamiliarity, just like how it was supposed to be. Irrespective of whether I want to or not.

Also christmas shopping is making me penniless. I really need to watch my spending for the next few millenium after this. I did get a nice little cookbook for myself though :)

In the end, why am I thinking so much about this? I should just go with the flow and see where the tide takes me. Perhaps to a lovely Hawaiian tropical island. But the more probable thing is being washed up to some muddy marsh surrounded by mangroves and crocs. Yes. Sometimes I love my positive thinking. It's just so me.

The mind boggles

I often wonder what goes on in people’s minds to motivate them to do something. Why is studying so much more different than say, playing games, sleeping, reading novels or perhaps listening to music? I don’t think I can vouch for everyone but I certainly have trouble bringing myself to study. My concentration falters only after a while but I could go on and on and on if I was doing any of the latter things I talked about. I mean, the human mind is so strange. We feel ‘tired’ only after a few hours of sitting for a lecture or a dull experiment. Why then do we feel nothing of sitting in front of the PC for hours on end chatting up friends, surfing the web, gaming or even watching movies? Or are we actually tired, but we tell ourselves that we’re not? Or perhaps we ignore the signals given off by our body that we’re actually tired? Case in point, I went through just 3(?) hours of lecture and by the end of it I was ready to for lunch, tired etc etc… then when I got back to my apartment I went online and watched a movie, then surfed the web, definitely more than those measly hours I felt I was trapped, tired and wanted to just switch off. And the worst part is, I do know how important studying is. I do know how it’s going to affect my future. And yet… I still don’t have the motivation to persevere.

So the thing is… when we claim that we’re tired and in need of rest, do we really? Or do we simply tell ourselves that because the particular activity we’re doing are things we don’t enjoy doing? It’s definitely food for thought, although everyone knows why. At least to a certain degree. We all know deep down inside why this happens, but it’s not easy to explain why. It just is.

And yes, experiment today was pretty dull to be quite honest. Then again, the ‘experiment’ we had yesterday wasn’t any better so no surprise there. However, the pace for Semester 3 is much faster, and if I don’t start soon, I’ll never catch up. And then I’ll seriously have trouble later. So like it or not, bored and tired or not, I’ll have to do it somehow. Study I mean. Many rounds of repetitive poring over the same content ought to help me remember, though I have a very poor memory. At least I hope so.