Yay, another one bites the dust!

At this rate, I have all but given up on the whole relationship game. It's too tiring to chase after the proverbial carrot. This rigmarole is tiring, to say the least. It's no wonder some people choose to be single for life. What's the point of seeking only to be disappointed time and again? I'm sure it's not healthy to have your hope and heart shredded like tissue paper. Every time it fails, the light of hope grows just that bit dimmer, until nothing is left but bitterness and jadedness.

And you know what is the best part? I didn't even initiate, most of them are initiated by the other party. Which is why I know for sure most people are manipulative, calculative and liars.

But why do we still do it? Why still chase after that happy ever after that never ever happens, except in fairy tales? Is it the intrinsic desire to settle down and have a pillar to lean onto? The other half who will support you through every obstacle in life and still accepts all your weaknesses and imperfections? The instinct to band together as a family unit?

As I grow older, the desire and want for a stable relationship grows stronger, and I hate myself for that weakness. Yes, I call it a WEAKNESS. Because that's what it is. We should be able to forge our own path without having to rely on others. I'm still searching for a way out of this. The ultimate method of allowing me to escape this desire that's causing me so much heartbreak. Is it even possible to find it?

Like a fool, I was the one who kept striving to maintain the spark going. An acquaintance was right; everyone is a bastard, don't give your heart to any of them, you'll be sorry. I disagreed wholeheartedly with him at the time; I'm sure that's not true. I'm sure there are decent folk out there who look beyond the superficial. Boy was I wrong.

The downhill pattern is always the same: it starts with excuses. Lots and lots of excuses. And you wonder if the excuses are legit, real. And you foolishly give them the benefit of the doubt. Surely they wouldn't lie to you... would they? Oh yes they would. To appear as the angel. You know, spare the other party's feelings. Don't let them down harshly. All lies. Lies upon lies. In truth, the lies and excuses are a coping mechanism for the disinterested party who probably had found another person. It makes them feel justified. A better person. Not a lying cheat.

And their friends are no better really. You wonder if talking to their friends gives an insight into their mind. But to be honest, there's a reason those are their friends, not yours. They look out for the other person's interests, not yours. Because why would they? They're not your friends. Not truly. So even after all the "pep talks", the "advice", you still wonder if they, advising you to just give up, are doing it because they disapprove of you and want the other party to leave you behind or it's genuine. Because them asking you to give up so soon seriously sets off alarm bells in my head.

At the end of the day, yes, it is complicated. Yes, I still foolishly want to find happiness for myself. Yes, it hurts like a truck hit my chest when I found out that it failed. Again. But I still have hope. Albeit a rapidly dimming one. I hope I find someone before that feeble ray disappears completely.

P.S. I went to gym to accompany you, you selfish asshole. I made sure to make time for you, even when I'm tired as hell after work, even when I was going to have to do the night shift. Thanks a lot for your time. Not that it was a lot to begin with.

A month and a half ago, a confused nerdy boy was randomly searching for activity feeds on OkC. He just happened to come across a random picture and clicked on it. He didn't think much of it and went on his way.

The next day, there was a message for him from the other person. Let's call this person X. X made casual conversation and Mr Nerdy boy thought "Hey, this isn't too bad. I seem to be able to converse well with X! Let's see where this goes."

And so things progressed to using Whatsapp chat; the chat interface for OkC wasn't very inspired nor user friendly. There was a lot of banter and chat and some... dare he think it?... flirtation going on. X wrote some suggestive things which made Mr Nerd happy and was reciprocated. This banter happened daily and it made Mr Nerd think that there might be hope for a relationship down the line. X mentioned that they are from Penang, and Mr Nerd made it clear that he wanted to visit and perhaps grab a coffee together, and see how things go. There was a bit of hesitation from X because they were afraid of not being able to be an accommodating host. And so, Mr Nerd agreed with postponing and waiting till a month or two later. There were occasional minor disagreements, such as dogs vs cats and such trifle issues.

One month passed... things were going swimmingly, or so Mr Nerd thinks. Just a few days after Mr Nerd's birthday, Mr Nerd made a passing remark about what X likes in a person. X mentioned that they like confidence, a good command of English and some form of stability, and that Mr Nerd fulfills two of the three requirements. "But confidence is hard to come by... My childhood isn't the best and it's made me who I am today", laments Mr Nerd. "I need time to build confidence." Mr Nerd thought it was just another chat. Little did he know that that was the beginning of the End.

Over the next couple of days, X became more and more distant. They replied Mr Nerd's chats less and less frequently. Hours would fly by before any replies were given, and even then, short answers; mostly of the "lolol" and "hahahaha" variety.

This confused Mr Nerd to no end. What's going on? He tried to get some clarification but not being too direct and confrontational. However all he got was deflection and avoidance. Mr Nerd still really really really really really really like X so he gave them the benefit of the doubt. Is X in trouble? Are they under a lot of stress? Problems? He tried asking but received no answers. All he got was that X was busy, had a lot on their plate just now and needed some space alone. And so Mr Nerd tried to give X just that. In the meantime, brief messages still occurred.

A fortnight later, messages were not even going through on Whatsapp anymore. Only sporadically do messages go through, and just like before short answers were given. Mr Nerd by now was having panic attacks and getting depressed. What did I do wrong? Is it me? Did I offend X in any way? Mr Nerd knew deep down that it's over and somehow X does not care for Mr Nerd anymore.

And so The Day of Reckoning came. Mr Nerd, unable to contain his sadness and confusion and depression any longer (it's affecting his work), wrote a heartfelt message asking for some form of clarification.

X wrote back saying that they really are busy, had a lot on their plate. And that they think Mr Nerd might be too clingy and wondered if Mr Nerd was possessive by nature. They also mentioned that they had experienced two LDRs before and it's made them jaded about LDR and that they thought they agreed that this wasn't going to be anything serious and to look for other people in their lives, and that they want to keep it casual and as friends.

And that was when Mr Nerd's world crashed and burned around him. He didn't understand: did X really meant all that from the beginning? Then why the whole rigmarole with the banter, the flirtations and remarks saying they like him? Mr Nerd simply wrote thanks for the clarification and that he's happy to stay as friends. But deep down he is really hurt, really confused and feeling dead and hollow inside. Did X find someone else? Was that it? It would explain the sudden 180.

I can't do it anymore, I really can't. I liked X so much. I want to cry, just to let out my rage and anger and disappointment and confusion but the tears won't come. I want to find someone to talk to, just to vent and pour my heart out but I have no one.... This is the first time I have felt like this about anyone. And it hurts. So much. My heart feels like it's been shredded and gone through a mandolin and then blended. And so I pour my heart out here, because this is the only avenue left. 

Of mighty pens and silly people

*Waves wand of resurrection!"

Yes it's been ages since I last updated anything. Call it laziness, procrastination, anything you will. But I'll just fill out a short one today (since I'm tired and everything)

You know those times when you evaluate life's greatest priorities? I happen to have an epiphany regarding the importance of certain things, things we often take for granted. Yes, I'm talking about the ubiquitous pen. A pen. A small instrument. Certainly not the most advanced science or invention mankind has produced over the centuries, one might say. It's just something you use to write, right? There's plenty of other stuff you can do that with, I'm sure. Like a pencil. Or... uh... slitting your fingers so your blood acts as an ink of sorts.

However! Today was the first day I forgot to bring my small army of three pens and all I can say is, Dear Lord, I will never, ever, look down on the mighty pen anymore. Small, but certainly mighty. Without the pen, I can't write things on prescriptions, I can't put my initials on labels, and I can't hand one over to the customer to put their signature on the back of the script. It's horrible. I never want to go through that harrowing experience again, where I felt like a limb of mine was missing. Anyhow, never again. I will cherish thee forever, my sweet prince.

This brings me to my second topic for the day. Idiots. Or in politically correct terms, difficult customers. I had two experiences today, mind you. First was a group of four elderly people (honestly, I don't want to be an ageist (is that even a word?) but most of the... less competent people tend to be the elderly) who came in and said this:

Customer: Can I have this X tablets please? I went to Asda's chemist and they don't have X so I was wondering if you have it here.

Me: Wait, I'll go check if we have them anyway. Yeah we do.

Customer: Alright then (handing me a faxed copy of a repeat slip), can you make that up for me?

Me: I'm sorry, we can't do that. In order for me to dispense that I will need a prescription. This is a repeat slip (and a faxed copy at that)

Customer: What do you mean? I went for a holiday and the doctor's went and faxed me this. Asda filled out the rest of the medication for me and they didn't have X, so I need that, and you have that so what's the problem?

Me: (clearly a bigger issue than just repeat slips) See, in order for me to dispense I will need a prescription from the doctor's. It looks like this (shows an example of a script) and this is a repeat slip, not a prescription. Also if you have Asda making up the rest of your medication, I can't dispense X, because Asda has made the others up. It's illegal.

Customer: I cannae understand! This is outrageous! In short, you just don't want to make it up for me right?

Customer 2: They're just square headed and don't want to do it.

*Pharmacist intervenes*

Pharmacist: We can't do that for you because it's illegal... etc etc

Anyway, the thing was, even the pharmacist couldn't resolve the issue because the idiots simply won't listen to reason, even if we spell it out letter by letter for them. Seriously. I think a lot of people have a simple mentality: My way or the highway. Screw legislation. Who cares about it anyway? In the end one of the dispensers got in touch with Asda and the surgery and sorted it out. And hell, it wasn't even a local Asda. It was somewhere else.

The second one was even more amazing. I handed in the items dispensed and the customer asked what kind of constipation medication she was getting. I told her Laxido. Well, she wasn't too pleased with that and said something about hearing about Movicol. I told her they're the exact same things except different manufacturers. She went "I need to know what's in there. I don't take certain things you see. Like fructose. I think that was in lactulose. And it made me sick for 4 days". I told her there's no fructose but she's welcome to see the list of ingredients. And then she was like aha! See there's artificial sweeteners there. I said well yeah... you probably need that for some taste or people just won't take them. And she said "I don't take artificial sweeteners, and I'm sure the company that made Movicol was the original producer of this and the company making Laxido was just some offshoot. It's just to save cost!" Like it was the discovery of the century. I calmly told her that I'm not sure if that's the case, and besides artificial sweeteners are just that, artificial sweeteners. They're not fructose. She kinda insisted that she's right about her crazy delusional ideas of cheaper alternatives to Movicol and that she doesn't take artificial sweeteners too now, for some perverse reason.

Well, long story short, today was a trying day. But I had fun, all in all. Met the crazy locum I met back in my old store. Of course he didn't remember me, so I had fun poking him and he went nuts trying to figure out who I was and where he met me. Fun fun!

Strange...

The appointed date for submission of our poorly written and conceived essays for Health Promotion is coming soon, as is the date for the Drugs and Disease Class Test. It's interesting in a way, but I'm more inclined to believe that by now I should be worried and concerned that I have read and covered so little for the class test, especially after that workshop on it the other day. Strangely though, I didn't, and still don't, have the drive and motivation to study hard for it, which I really require if I should need to perform relatively well in it. I'm sure my distaste for studying had something to do with it, although I also think I'm slowly getting detached from the real world, and the things that we have to face constantly. Denial, if you will. I don't really know why, and I hope that in time I may become more in touch with reality and getting more involved in it, not only physically, which sometimes you can't run away from, but mentally as well; and in this case, very very vulnerable to detachment.

Nevertheless, the past month has been quite uneventful, and I revel in that sometimes. Being involved tires me, and I like to sit back and watch the world go by at times, although I could do without the inevitable feelings of guilt that I have procrastinated yet again and not done anything useful to the society, and to a larger extent, for myself. Basically, the daily routines are similar on a day to day basis; we go to the university, we sit down for lectures, complain if the lectures go on for too long, go for the occasional workshop after lunch and then go home. Most of the time, I'd be staring in a daze at the lecturer, and for all the good in the world, the rest of the batch thinks I'm actually paying attention and listening to every word, when in fact I was daydreaming. That's part of the reason I'm wholly convinced I'm actually quite detached.

Another strange thing is, although our 'official' hours in university is getting shorter and shorter, I grow more and more exhausted by the end of the day and a good nap is mandatory, if I was to perform well the next day. Napping is well and good, for me at least. I'm sure loads would beg to differ, as most of them view it as a waste of time and your life. I must say, reluctant as I was to admit it, there is a hint of truth to this opinion. Why should we waste so many of our precious hours sleeping when we could do other things, things which open our eyes to the secrets of the world, experiences leaving us shivering in delight, the adrenaline-filled, exciting feel of looking into the eyes of our opponent as we try to discern and interpret his next move in a game of cat and mouse, be it chess or tennis, and miracles of the culinary world that sends us careening into the very depths of our soul, sating our hunger and thirst for the almost-ethereal sensations which grace our taste buds? It's all very well, but if I may, napping can also be considered a form of hobby. If socialising and sports is not our cup of tea, then what would our precious, hard earned free hours be used for? I would use it for napping, albeit not everytime. The greatest gift sleeping has given me is to forget, much like alcohol does to others. I can choose to enter a black void of emptiness for the next hour or so, or perhaps wander in the dreamworld, where worldly woes, worries and doubts simply cease to exist, at least for a while.

I suppose this is why people often wonder why I look into the distance sometimes, as if I was staring at something. In truth, I was simply trying to 'fall asleep' while awake, so to speak. In other words, daydream. I often wondered if there is something more to this life, than our day to day trudging to the university. It feels sad. I wished something strange would happen in my life, sort of like in a fantasy setting. Something different than our daily dull, uninteresting existence. Then again, it's all just a dream isn't it?

How is EXTEMPO spelt? It's F-A-I-L-E-D of course!

Sem 4 came and suddenly we're smack right in the middle of it. Apart from dealing with the increasingly dull and boring lectures we have to endure day after day, there hasn't been much activity. Well, there was the seniors leaving for their hols and preparation for going off to Glasgow. In a way, I envy them. I want to go there too, but I suppose I'll have to pass Sem 4 first. That is IF I pass. And that brings me to my next point: Passing Sem 4: The woes and doubt.

Let me first iterate that Sem 4 is incredibly different from the previous semesters we have had. Those were more knowledge based, things like Biopharmacy, Physiology, Microbiology and Pharmacology. I'm not trying to say that there are no knowledge based subjects this semester, but they are interspersed with judgemental and ethical subjects, like Pharmacy Practice and Health Promotion. And were they dull! I'd rather endure beds of nails than hearing unending lectures regarding the proper way of handling medication, patient care and all that jazz. Technically the only saving grace of PP was the extemporaneous practicals. We learned how to pack powders, make suspensions, solutions, creams and ointments. But for every light side of things, there is a more malicious darker side lurking, waiting to pounce on unwary people. And yep, we were unwary. Very unwary in fact.

You see, there was a heavy price to pay for enjoyment of making stuff (not that I liked the practical sessions that much anyway). The price is: Extempo class test! It's 5% of the PP module and we have two hours to complete two products. After the mock exam we had, we were quite confident of being able to emulate what we did and escape relatively unscathed from the field of battle. Boy were we wrong! Everything that could go wrong did, and I'll bet no amount of time in this world can save us. Okay, to be fair in the mock exams we were given two and a half hours to complete two products so we had more time. BUT! That wasn't the point. Well, technically it was part of it actually. There were a few factors which caused our current predicament. For ease of reading I'll list it down:

1. Time, as previously stated.
2. Products to be made: We were given simple formulations and easy products (powders and suspensions in the mock versus powders and ointments)
3. The calculation!: The previous powders didn't require elaborate calculations but the class test did!
4. Lack of apparatus: We were given 1! weighing boat, and that was ridiculous in and of itself.

And I know there are many more. But suffice to say I was traumatised by the examiner coming over, scrutinising every little thing I did and deducting marks like it was going out of fashion. Anyway, there you have it. In the end, I handed up and empty sheet, labels hastily written (I bet doctors have better handwriting than I had that day) and failed products (ointments with specks of zinc oxide particles in them). Oh yes did I mention that I wrote 'cream' in the label instead of 'ointment'? Yep, it was that bad.

Still, I bet we'll one day look back on all of this and laugh it off, like we do with everything bad that's happened to us. But at the moment, I'm bipolar :D

Perhaps a whip is in order?

You know what? This isn't going to work if I don't update is it? I mean, it's ridiculous to start every new entry with the typical: "It's been ages since I last updated this blog." Perhaps I should stop being a total bum and start to haul my ass. But that's neither here nor there. Or is it the core issue? I wouldn't know, I'm not built with enough neurones to go about pondering life's mysteries and why I'm such a lazy ass when I should have been more spontaneous.

Ah, it's so blissful to be stupid sometimes. You can be an ignoramus and get away with it. People won't expect much of you, let alone put their hopes and dreams on you. And you're not responsible for all the shit that hit the fan. You can just go, "And YOU think I did this? Hello, what's my IQ again? You don't expect THIS from me do you?" And that'll probably make them think twice before putting the blame on you again. The smarter you are, the more people watch your every move, and the heavier your responsibilities. What was it they say? With great IQ comes great responsibilities? I'm pretty sure it was along that line anyway ;)

Yes yes, we all know it's been a long time and updates are WAY overdue. So I'm just going to put things into small nutshells and then we'll um... take it from there, if you get my drift. Where to start....

Ah yes, we'll start from Malaysian Studies project shall we? It's ironic, I said it was going to be a disaster with me at the helm and I was sincerely believing everything was crumbling apart around me, but then after one fateful day where I gave everyone a piece of my mind regarding their "enthusiasm" towards the project (actually someone said I almost cried \o/) and Mrs Phoong did her part in scolding the class did the whole class turned around and actually worked together! Ahhh, nothing like an old fashioned "high-pitched, tear-jerking" bitching to scorch Malaysian youths' asses into action. But all rants aside, it went quite well, considering some accidents. I can mostly relate stuff that's going on at the Sabah & Sarawak booth, coz that's where I was stationed. Strangely, loads of people like the kolo mee. In fact, so many people bought it the first day Crystal and Wei Nee kept cooking more. And just between you and me, it doesn't even taste like proper kolo mee. Then again, we didn't add pork oil and MSG, so that's only to be expected. A lot of people didn't like my mung bean sweetened soup. Meh, I liked it, so there! Second day was supposed to be a big day selling Sarawak laksa. But I suppose Lady Luck likes to butt in and add a little spice of her own when she feels particularly mischievous. The gravy that was supposed to go with the laksa was completely spilled, and there weren't much left. But I suppose accidents do happen and no one was to blame for that. It wouldn't be fair to him. All in all, everything went quite smoothly, we earned around 2000, which is quite nice. And most importantly everyone helped out. And the BEST thing out of this whole ordeal? I'm no longer the freaking president YAY! Let me just quietly fade to obscurity please.

Apart from the manic days of trying to finish assignments, which have been keeping me from updating the blog, apart from the "awesome" internet connection back in vista, the looming spectre ahead was dreaded by everyone . Yes, it's no other than the Sem 3 end-of-semester examinations. The difficulty has increased by several fold since Sem 2. I suppose it's only to be expected. After the first day where we had Physical Pharmacy (and apparently the easiest subject out of the four) I was traumatised. It wasn't as easy as I had hoped. And if that had already set the standard for the difficulty boy was I in for a treat! Second day was ironically better although it was supposed to be the hardest (Fundamentals of Pharmacology). Perhaps I've calmed down somewhat? Wishful thinking. It wasn't to last. The third day I died. Yep, I died. It was THAT bad. Biopharmacy was like a nightmare. And don't get me started on day 4. Microbio came and went and I was in a state of shock throughout the whole paper. I never imagined (nope, not even in my dreams, though those can be pretty bizarre sometimes) that those 3 questions would be asked in the essay section. So yeah, pretty much became bipolar. Manic laughter followed by bouts of depression. But we did celebrate, albeit in a strained mood (at least for me) by going out for dinner and later catching a late night show.

The next day was MUCH better. Maybe my mind was trying to shut off the part about Biopharmacy and Microbio that I just tend to deny they happened at all. And we went out :D Specifically with Khong Hern and Yun Peng. We went to Pyramid and I had the most expensive Japanese lunch ever! But the okonomiyaki was delish! Loads of walking about later, and ended up buying nothing. I suppose the one who got the most out of the shopping trip was Yun Peng. She bought quite a few pieces of clothing article. Apparently they're cheap. I wouldn't know. I'm not a girl. But it was a good way to relax and forget, which I did. At least till I reached back to vista. Then the depression set in again XD

Going home was an ordeal in and of itself. I was so unlucky to have to wait AGES for the LRT and the KTM. And to top it off, I reached the bus only to see it drive off and another one taking its place. More waiting. Finally for the creme de la creme, I missed my flight. Although there was another 20 minutes prior to departure. I left vista before 7 am. I missed my 9.45 am flight. What was the lesson? Don't freaking take AirAsia haha! I had to shell out 500 big ones for the MAS flight coz all AirAsia flights to Kuching was fully booked. Wonderful.

But here I am, wallowing in boredom in Kuching. Perhaps I shouldn't have come home? I don't know. It's certainly better than having to endure the atrocious internet connection in vista methinks.

The Niu Year is here!

Hmm I haven't been updating for quite some time have I? I suppose it's my fault, but I've been quite busy with Sem 3. You see, the orientation for P109 came and went, and mind you it's been awfully busy, what with the Physical Pharmacy class test coming up and stuff. So, major update then!

Well I was in the first group (again!) as Orientation Officer. Originally the 11 juniors were rather quiet. Hardly talked, need loads of prompting etc... But as time passes by they became quite engaging, and came up with the name Super Sexy Stalkers. Long, but catchy. Oh and there's this really talkative girl called Chandni. Chatty girls are fun to talk to. You can gossip with them and bitch about and get away with it :P Thing is, our group (that is, Kelvin, JS, Naveenah and I as OOs) is rather independent. I remembered last year's orientation. Our OO would scold us non-stop coz we were really bad at doing things on time and without supervision. But this year's dress code was mostly completed by them without help from our side. That's good, at least for us. We can worry about our class tests and the Microbio prac exam without having to worry about our juniors. It was fun, but I must say the feel wasn't quite there. I mean, last year we were all enthusiastic and ready to face all sorts of humiliation and stuff and still laugh it off, being cheered by everyone and all. But this year very few people turned up for the dress code days and the lecture theater was practically empty. That was sad. Seriously. People need to re-evaluate their priorities I know, but you shouldn't just ditch the juniors. And what's worse? Juniors themselves finding excuses and not coming. Well whatever. If they regret later it's their problem, not mine. Also I'm not as enthusiastic about playing in the treasure hunt and detective games as I was last year. Perhaps I'm just getting too old. Who knows? We did get an award for being the most sporting group though, so it was all good :)

Secondly, Physical Pharmacy went quite well, if I may say so myself. I thought Microbio prac exam would be a nightmare but it's quite straightforward too. So that leaves us with Biopharm, Microbio report and Foundation Pharm presentation to settle after the CNY break. Great.

CNY was eh.... fun in a way. I didn't go house visiting this year to my relatives' house too. I seriously can't be arsed to have to explain my current predicament to everyone. And go through all that again. So I chose to stay at home. And sleep. And sleep. It's also raining constantly. In fact, it's raining even now as I write this. Someone ought to go and tell the rain clouds off for being a spoilsport. But I like this small break. It gives me a chance to just sit back, relax and steel myself for the upcoming HUGE storm after the hols. Sigh.