Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Yay, another one bites the dust!

At this rate, I have all but given up on the whole relationship game. It's too tiring to chase after the proverbial carrot. This rigmarole is tiring, to say the least. It's no wonder some people choose to be single for life. What's the point of seeking only to be disappointed time and again? I'm sure it's not healthy to have your hope and heart shredded like tissue paper. Every time it fails, the light of hope grows just that bit dimmer, until nothing is left but bitterness and jadedness.

And you know what is the best part? I didn't even initiate, most of them are initiated by the other party. Which is why I know for sure most people are manipulative, calculative and liars.

But why do we still do it? Why still chase after that happy ever after that never ever happens, except in fairy tales? Is it the intrinsic desire to settle down and have a pillar to lean onto? The other half who will support you through every obstacle in life and still accepts all your weaknesses and imperfections? The instinct to band together as a family unit?

As I grow older, the desire and want for a stable relationship grows stronger, and I hate myself for that weakness. Yes, I call it a WEAKNESS. Because that's what it is. We should be able to forge our own path without having to rely on others. I'm still searching for a way out of this. The ultimate method of allowing me to escape this desire that's causing me so much heartbreak. Is it even possible to find it?

Like a fool, I was the one who kept striving to maintain the spark going. An acquaintance was right; everyone is a bastard, don't give your heart to any of them, you'll be sorry. I disagreed wholeheartedly with him at the time; I'm sure that's not true. I'm sure there are decent folk out there who look beyond the superficial. Boy was I wrong.

The downhill pattern is always the same: it starts with excuses. Lots and lots of excuses. And you wonder if the excuses are legit, real. And you foolishly give them the benefit of the doubt. Surely they wouldn't lie to you... would they? Oh yes they would. To appear as the angel. You know, spare the other party's feelings. Don't let them down harshly. All lies. Lies upon lies. In truth, the lies and excuses are a coping mechanism for the disinterested party who probably had found another person. It makes them feel justified. A better person. Not a lying cheat.

And their friends are no better really. You wonder if talking to their friends gives an insight into their mind. But to be honest, there's a reason those are their friends, not yours. They look out for the other person's interests, not yours. Because why would they? They're not your friends. Not truly. So even after all the "pep talks", the "advice", you still wonder if they, advising you to just give up, are doing it because they disapprove of you and want the other party to leave you behind or it's genuine. Because them asking you to give up so soon seriously sets off alarm bells in my head.

At the end of the day, yes, it is complicated. Yes, I still foolishly want to find happiness for myself. Yes, it hurts like a truck hit my chest when I found out that it failed. Again. But I still have hope. Albeit a rapidly dimming one. I hope I find someone before that feeble ray disappears completely.

P.S. I went to gym to accompany you, you selfish asshole. I made sure to make time for you, even when I'm tired as hell after work, even when I was going to have to do the night shift. Thanks a lot for your time. Not that it was a lot to begin with.

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