Yay, another one bites the dust!

At this rate, I have all but given up on the whole relationship game. It's too tiring to chase after the proverbial carrot. This rigmarole is tiring, to say the least. It's no wonder some people choose to be single for life. What's the point of seeking only to be disappointed time and again? I'm sure it's not healthy to have your hope and heart shredded like tissue paper. Every time it fails, the light of hope grows just that bit dimmer, until nothing is left but bitterness and jadedness.

And you know what is the best part? I didn't even initiate, most of them are initiated by the other party. Which is why I know for sure most people are manipulative, calculative and liars.

But why do we still do it? Why still chase after that happy ever after that never ever happens, except in fairy tales? Is it the intrinsic desire to settle down and have a pillar to lean onto? The other half who will support you through every obstacle in life and still accepts all your weaknesses and imperfections? The instinct to band together as a family unit?

As I grow older, the desire and want for a stable relationship grows stronger, and I hate myself for that weakness. Yes, I call it a WEAKNESS. Because that's what it is. We should be able to forge our own path without having to rely on others. I'm still searching for a way out of this. The ultimate method of allowing me to escape this desire that's causing me so much heartbreak. Is it even possible to find it?

Like a fool, I was the one who kept striving to maintain the spark going. An acquaintance was right; everyone is a bastard, don't give your heart to any of them, you'll be sorry. I disagreed wholeheartedly with him at the time; I'm sure that's not true. I'm sure there are decent folk out there who look beyond the superficial. Boy was I wrong.

The downhill pattern is always the same: it starts with excuses. Lots and lots of excuses. And you wonder if the excuses are legit, real. And you foolishly give them the benefit of the doubt. Surely they wouldn't lie to you... would they? Oh yes they would. To appear as the angel. You know, spare the other party's feelings. Don't let them down harshly. All lies. Lies upon lies. In truth, the lies and excuses are a coping mechanism for the disinterested party who probably had found another person. It makes them feel justified. A better person. Not a lying cheat.

And their friends are no better really. You wonder if talking to their friends gives an insight into their mind. But to be honest, there's a reason those are their friends, not yours. They look out for the other person's interests, not yours. Because why would they? They're not your friends. Not truly. So even after all the "pep talks", the "advice", you still wonder if they, advising you to just give up, are doing it because they disapprove of you and want the other party to leave you behind or it's genuine. Because them asking you to give up so soon seriously sets off alarm bells in my head.

At the end of the day, yes, it is complicated. Yes, I still foolishly want to find happiness for myself. Yes, it hurts like a truck hit my chest when I found out that it failed. Again. But I still have hope. Albeit a rapidly dimming one. I hope I find someone before that feeble ray disappears completely.

P.S. I went to gym to accompany you, you selfish asshole. I made sure to make time for you, even when I'm tired as hell after work, even when I was going to have to do the night shift. Thanks a lot for your time. Not that it was a lot to begin with.

A month and a half ago, a confused nerdy boy was randomly searching for activity feeds on OkC. He just happened to come across a random picture and clicked on it. He didn't think much of it and went on his way.

The next day, there was a message for him from the other person. Let's call this person X. X made casual conversation and Mr Nerdy boy thought "Hey, this isn't too bad. I seem to be able to converse well with X! Let's see where this goes."

And so things progressed to using Whatsapp chat; the chat interface for OkC wasn't very inspired nor user friendly. There was a lot of banter and chat and some... dare he think it?... flirtation going on. X wrote some suggestive things which made Mr Nerd happy and was reciprocated. This banter happened daily and it made Mr Nerd think that there might be hope for a relationship down the line. X mentioned that they are from Penang, and Mr Nerd made it clear that he wanted to visit and perhaps grab a coffee together, and see how things go. There was a bit of hesitation from X because they were afraid of not being able to be an accommodating host. And so, Mr Nerd agreed with postponing and waiting till a month or two later. There were occasional minor disagreements, such as dogs vs cats and such trifle issues.

One month passed... things were going swimmingly, or so Mr Nerd thinks. Just a few days after Mr Nerd's birthday, Mr Nerd made a passing remark about what X likes in a person. X mentioned that they like confidence, a good command of English and some form of stability, and that Mr Nerd fulfills two of the three requirements. "But confidence is hard to come by... My childhood isn't the best and it's made me who I am today", laments Mr Nerd. "I need time to build confidence." Mr Nerd thought it was just another chat. Little did he know that that was the beginning of the End.

Over the next couple of days, X became more and more distant. They replied Mr Nerd's chats less and less frequently. Hours would fly by before any replies were given, and even then, short answers; mostly of the "lolol" and "hahahaha" variety.

This confused Mr Nerd to no end. What's going on? He tried to get some clarification but not being too direct and confrontational. However all he got was deflection and avoidance. Mr Nerd still really really really really really really like X so he gave them the benefit of the doubt. Is X in trouble? Are they under a lot of stress? Problems? He tried asking but received no answers. All he got was that X was busy, had a lot on their plate just now and needed some space alone. And so Mr Nerd tried to give X just that. In the meantime, brief messages still occurred.

A fortnight later, messages were not even going through on Whatsapp anymore. Only sporadically do messages go through, and just like before short answers were given. Mr Nerd by now was having panic attacks and getting depressed. What did I do wrong? Is it me? Did I offend X in any way? Mr Nerd knew deep down that it's over and somehow X does not care for Mr Nerd anymore.

And so The Day of Reckoning came. Mr Nerd, unable to contain his sadness and confusion and depression any longer (it's affecting his work), wrote a heartfelt message asking for some form of clarification.

X wrote back saying that they really are busy, had a lot on their plate. And that they think Mr Nerd might be too clingy and wondered if Mr Nerd was possessive by nature. They also mentioned that they had experienced two LDRs before and it's made them jaded about LDR and that they thought they agreed that this wasn't going to be anything serious and to look for other people in their lives, and that they want to keep it casual and as friends.

And that was when Mr Nerd's world crashed and burned around him. He didn't understand: did X really meant all that from the beginning? Then why the whole rigmarole with the banter, the flirtations and remarks saying they like him? Mr Nerd simply wrote thanks for the clarification and that he's happy to stay as friends. But deep down he is really hurt, really confused and feeling dead and hollow inside. Did X find someone else? Was that it? It would explain the sudden 180.

I can't do it anymore, I really can't. I liked X so much. I want to cry, just to let out my rage and anger and disappointment and confusion but the tears won't come. I want to find someone to talk to, just to vent and pour my heart out but I have no one.... This is the first time I have felt like this about anyone. And it hurts. So much. My heart feels like it's been shredded and gone through a mandolin and then blended. And so I pour my heart out here, because this is the only avenue left. 

Of mighty pens and silly people

*Waves wand of resurrection!"

Yes it's been ages since I last updated anything. Call it laziness, procrastination, anything you will. But I'll just fill out a short one today (since I'm tired and everything)

You know those times when you evaluate life's greatest priorities? I happen to have an epiphany regarding the importance of certain things, things we often take for granted. Yes, I'm talking about the ubiquitous pen. A pen. A small instrument. Certainly not the most advanced science or invention mankind has produced over the centuries, one might say. It's just something you use to write, right? There's plenty of other stuff you can do that with, I'm sure. Like a pencil. Or... uh... slitting your fingers so your blood acts as an ink of sorts.

However! Today was the first day I forgot to bring my small army of three pens and all I can say is, Dear Lord, I will never, ever, look down on the mighty pen anymore. Small, but certainly mighty. Without the pen, I can't write things on prescriptions, I can't put my initials on labels, and I can't hand one over to the customer to put their signature on the back of the script. It's horrible. I never want to go through that harrowing experience again, where I felt like a limb of mine was missing. Anyhow, never again. I will cherish thee forever, my sweet prince.

This brings me to my second topic for the day. Idiots. Or in politically correct terms, difficult customers. I had two experiences today, mind you. First was a group of four elderly people (honestly, I don't want to be an ageist (is that even a word?) but most of the... less competent people tend to be the elderly) who came in and said this:

Customer: Can I have this X tablets please? I went to Asda's chemist and they don't have X so I was wondering if you have it here.

Me: Wait, I'll go check if we have them anyway. Yeah we do.

Customer: Alright then (handing me a faxed copy of a repeat slip), can you make that up for me?

Me: I'm sorry, we can't do that. In order for me to dispense that I will need a prescription. This is a repeat slip (and a faxed copy at that)

Customer: What do you mean? I went for a holiday and the doctor's went and faxed me this. Asda filled out the rest of the medication for me and they didn't have X, so I need that, and you have that so what's the problem?

Me: (clearly a bigger issue than just repeat slips) See, in order for me to dispense I will need a prescription from the doctor's. It looks like this (shows an example of a script) and this is a repeat slip, not a prescription. Also if you have Asda making up the rest of your medication, I can't dispense X, because Asda has made the others up. It's illegal.

Customer: I cannae understand! This is outrageous! In short, you just don't want to make it up for me right?

Customer 2: They're just square headed and don't want to do it.

*Pharmacist intervenes*

Pharmacist: We can't do that for you because it's illegal... etc etc

Anyway, the thing was, even the pharmacist couldn't resolve the issue because the idiots simply won't listen to reason, even if we spell it out letter by letter for them. Seriously. I think a lot of people have a simple mentality: My way or the highway. Screw legislation. Who cares about it anyway? In the end one of the dispensers got in touch with Asda and the surgery and sorted it out. And hell, it wasn't even a local Asda. It was somewhere else.

The second one was even more amazing. I handed in the items dispensed and the customer asked what kind of constipation medication she was getting. I told her Laxido. Well, she wasn't too pleased with that and said something about hearing about Movicol. I told her they're the exact same things except different manufacturers. She went "I need to know what's in there. I don't take certain things you see. Like fructose. I think that was in lactulose. And it made me sick for 4 days". I told her there's no fructose but she's welcome to see the list of ingredients. And then she was like aha! See there's artificial sweeteners there. I said well yeah... you probably need that for some taste or people just won't take them. And she said "I don't take artificial sweeteners, and I'm sure the company that made Movicol was the original producer of this and the company making Laxido was just some offshoot. It's just to save cost!" Like it was the discovery of the century. I calmly told her that I'm not sure if that's the case, and besides artificial sweeteners are just that, artificial sweeteners. They're not fructose. She kinda insisted that she's right about her crazy delusional ideas of cheaper alternatives to Movicol and that she doesn't take artificial sweeteners too now, for some perverse reason.

Well, long story short, today was a trying day. But I had fun, all in all. Met the crazy locum I met back in my old store. Of course he didn't remember me, so I had fun poking him and he went nuts trying to figure out who I was and where he met me. Fun fun!

Strange...

The appointed date for submission of our poorly written and conceived essays for Health Promotion is coming soon, as is the date for the Drugs and Disease Class Test. It's interesting in a way, but I'm more inclined to believe that by now I should be worried and concerned that I have read and covered so little for the class test, especially after that workshop on it the other day. Strangely though, I didn't, and still don't, have the drive and motivation to study hard for it, which I really require if I should need to perform relatively well in it. I'm sure my distaste for studying had something to do with it, although I also think I'm slowly getting detached from the real world, and the things that we have to face constantly. Denial, if you will. I don't really know why, and I hope that in time I may become more in touch with reality and getting more involved in it, not only physically, which sometimes you can't run away from, but mentally as well; and in this case, very very vulnerable to detachment.

Nevertheless, the past month has been quite uneventful, and I revel in that sometimes. Being involved tires me, and I like to sit back and watch the world go by at times, although I could do without the inevitable feelings of guilt that I have procrastinated yet again and not done anything useful to the society, and to a larger extent, for myself. Basically, the daily routines are similar on a day to day basis; we go to the university, we sit down for lectures, complain if the lectures go on for too long, go for the occasional workshop after lunch and then go home. Most of the time, I'd be staring in a daze at the lecturer, and for all the good in the world, the rest of the batch thinks I'm actually paying attention and listening to every word, when in fact I was daydreaming. That's part of the reason I'm wholly convinced I'm actually quite detached.

Another strange thing is, although our 'official' hours in university is getting shorter and shorter, I grow more and more exhausted by the end of the day and a good nap is mandatory, if I was to perform well the next day. Napping is well and good, for me at least. I'm sure loads would beg to differ, as most of them view it as a waste of time and your life. I must say, reluctant as I was to admit it, there is a hint of truth to this opinion. Why should we waste so many of our precious hours sleeping when we could do other things, things which open our eyes to the secrets of the world, experiences leaving us shivering in delight, the adrenaline-filled, exciting feel of looking into the eyes of our opponent as we try to discern and interpret his next move in a game of cat and mouse, be it chess or tennis, and miracles of the culinary world that sends us careening into the very depths of our soul, sating our hunger and thirst for the almost-ethereal sensations which grace our taste buds? It's all very well, but if I may, napping can also be considered a form of hobby. If socialising and sports is not our cup of tea, then what would our precious, hard earned free hours be used for? I would use it for napping, albeit not everytime. The greatest gift sleeping has given me is to forget, much like alcohol does to others. I can choose to enter a black void of emptiness for the next hour or so, or perhaps wander in the dreamworld, where worldly woes, worries and doubts simply cease to exist, at least for a while.

I suppose this is why people often wonder why I look into the distance sometimes, as if I was staring at something. In truth, I was simply trying to 'fall asleep' while awake, so to speak. In other words, daydream. I often wondered if there is something more to this life, than our day to day trudging to the university. It feels sad. I wished something strange would happen in my life, sort of like in a fantasy setting. Something different than our daily dull, uninteresting existence. Then again, it's all just a dream isn't it?

How is EXTEMPO spelt? It's F-A-I-L-E-D of course!

Sem 4 came and suddenly we're smack right in the middle of it. Apart from dealing with the increasingly dull and boring lectures we have to endure day after day, there hasn't been much activity. Well, there was the seniors leaving for their hols and preparation for going off to Glasgow. In a way, I envy them. I want to go there too, but I suppose I'll have to pass Sem 4 first. That is IF I pass. And that brings me to my next point: Passing Sem 4: The woes and doubt.

Let me first iterate that Sem 4 is incredibly different from the previous semesters we have had. Those were more knowledge based, things like Biopharmacy, Physiology, Microbiology and Pharmacology. I'm not trying to say that there are no knowledge based subjects this semester, but they are interspersed with judgemental and ethical subjects, like Pharmacy Practice and Health Promotion. And were they dull! I'd rather endure beds of nails than hearing unending lectures regarding the proper way of handling medication, patient care and all that jazz. Technically the only saving grace of PP was the extemporaneous practicals. We learned how to pack powders, make suspensions, solutions, creams and ointments. But for every light side of things, there is a more malicious darker side lurking, waiting to pounce on unwary people. And yep, we were unwary. Very unwary in fact.

You see, there was a heavy price to pay for enjoyment of making stuff (not that I liked the practical sessions that much anyway). The price is: Extempo class test! It's 5% of the PP module and we have two hours to complete two products. After the mock exam we had, we were quite confident of being able to emulate what we did and escape relatively unscathed from the field of battle. Boy were we wrong! Everything that could go wrong did, and I'll bet no amount of time in this world can save us. Okay, to be fair in the mock exams we were given two and a half hours to complete two products so we had more time. BUT! That wasn't the point. Well, technically it was part of it actually. There were a few factors which caused our current predicament. For ease of reading I'll list it down:

1. Time, as previously stated.
2. Products to be made: We were given simple formulations and easy products (powders and suspensions in the mock versus powders and ointments)
3. The calculation!: The previous powders didn't require elaborate calculations but the class test did!
4. Lack of apparatus: We were given 1! weighing boat, and that was ridiculous in and of itself.

And I know there are many more. But suffice to say I was traumatised by the examiner coming over, scrutinising every little thing I did and deducting marks like it was going out of fashion. Anyway, there you have it. In the end, I handed up and empty sheet, labels hastily written (I bet doctors have better handwriting than I had that day) and failed products (ointments with specks of zinc oxide particles in them). Oh yes did I mention that I wrote 'cream' in the label instead of 'ointment'? Yep, it was that bad.

Still, I bet we'll one day look back on all of this and laugh it off, like we do with everything bad that's happened to us. But at the moment, I'm bipolar :D

Perhaps a whip is in order?

You know what? This isn't going to work if I don't update is it? I mean, it's ridiculous to start every new entry with the typical: "It's been ages since I last updated this blog." Perhaps I should stop being a total bum and start to haul my ass. But that's neither here nor there. Or is it the core issue? I wouldn't know, I'm not built with enough neurones to go about pondering life's mysteries and why I'm such a lazy ass when I should have been more spontaneous.

Ah, it's so blissful to be stupid sometimes. You can be an ignoramus and get away with it. People won't expect much of you, let alone put their hopes and dreams on you. And you're not responsible for all the shit that hit the fan. You can just go, "And YOU think I did this? Hello, what's my IQ again? You don't expect THIS from me do you?" And that'll probably make them think twice before putting the blame on you again. The smarter you are, the more people watch your every move, and the heavier your responsibilities. What was it they say? With great IQ comes great responsibilities? I'm pretty sure it was along that line anyway ;)

Yes yes, we all know it's been a long time and updates are WAY overdue. So I'm just going to put things into small nutshells and then we'll um... take it from there, if you get my drift. Where to start....

Ah yes, we'll start from Malaysian Studies project shall we? It's ironic, I said it was going to be a disaster with me at the helm and I was sincerely believing everything was crumbling apart around me, but then after one fateful day where I gave everyone a piece of my mind regarding their "enthusiasm" towards the project (actually someone said I almost cried \o/) and Mrs Phoong did her part in scolding the class did the whole class turned around and actually worked together! Ahhh, nothing like an old fashioned "high-pitched, tear-jerking" bitching to scorch Malaysian youths' asses into action. But all rants aside, it went quite well, considering some accidents. I can mostly relate stuff that's going on at the Sabah & Sarawak booth, coz that's where I was stationed. Strangely, loads of people like the kolo mee. In fact, so many people bought it the first day Crystal and Wei Nee kept cooking more. And just between you and me, it doesn't even taste like proper kolo mee. Then again, we didn't add pork oil and MSG, so that's only to be expected. A lot of people didn't like my mung bean sweetened soup. Meh, I liked it, so there! Second day was supposed to be a big day selling Sarawak laksa. But I suppose Lady Luck likes to butt in and add a little spice of her own when she feels particularly mischievous. The gravy that was supposed to go with the laksa was completely spilled, and there weren't much left. But I suppose accidents do happen and no one was to blame for that. It wouldn't be fair to him. All in all, everything went quite smoothly, we earned around 2000, which is quite nice. And most importantly everyone helped out. And the BEST thing out of this whole ordeal? I'm no longer the freaking president YAY! Let me just quietly fade to obscurity please.

Apart from the manic days of trying to finish assignments, which have been keeping me from updating the blog, apart from the "awesome" internet connection back in vista, the looming spectre ahead was dreaded by everyone . Yes, it's no other than the Sem 3 end-of-semester examinations. The difficulty has increased by several fold since Sem 2. I suppose it's only to be expected. After the first day where we had Physical Pharmacy (and apparently the easiest subject out of the four) I was traumatised. It wasn't as easy as I had hoped. And if that had already set the standard for the difficulty boy was I in for a treat! Second day was ironically better although it was supposed to be the hardest (Fundamentals of Pharmacology). Perhaps I've calmed down somewhat? Wishful thinking. It wasn't to last. The third day I died. Yep, I died. It was THAT bad. Biopharmacy was like a nightmare. And don't get me started on day 4. Microbio came and went and I was in a state of shock throughout the whole paper. I never imagined (nope, not even in my dreams, though those can be pretty bizarre sometimes) that those 3 questions would be asked in the essay section. So yeah, pretty much became bipolar. Manic laughter followed by bouts of depression. But we did celebrate, albeit in a strained mood (at least for me) by going out for dinner and later catching a late night show.

The next day was MUCH better. Maybe my mind was trying to shut off the part about Biopharmacy and Microbio that I just tend to deny they happened at all. And we went out :D Specifically with Khong Hern and Yun Peng. We went to Pyramid and I had the most expensive Japanese lunch ever! But the okonomiyaki was delish! Loads of walking about later, and ended up buying nothing. I suppose the one who got the most out of the shopping trip was Yun Peng. She bought quite a few pieces of clothing article. Apparently they're cheap. I wouldn't know. I'm not a girl. But it was a good way to relax and forget, which I did. At least till I reached back to vista. Then the depression set in again XD

Going home was an ordeal in and of itself. I was so unlucky to have to wait AGES for the LRT and the KTM. And to top it off, I reached the bus only to see it drive off and another one taking its place. More waiting. Finally for the creme de la creme, I missed my flight. Although there was another 20 minutes prior to departure. I left vista before 7 am. I missed my 9.45 am flight. What was the lesson? Don't freaking take AirAsia haha! I had to shell out 500 big ones for the MAS flight coz all AirAsia flights to Kuching was fully booked. Wonderful.

But here I am, wallowing in boredom in Kuching. Perhaps I shouldn't have come home? I don't know. It's certainly better than having to endure the atrocious internet connection in vista methinks.

The Niu Year is here!

Hmm I haven't been updating for quite some time have I? I suppose it's my fault, but I've been quite busy with Sem 3. You see, the orientation for P109 came and went, and mind you it's been awfully busy, what with the Physical Pharmacy class test coming up and stuff. So, major update then!

Well I was in the first group (again!) as Orientation Officer. Originally the 11 juniors were rather quiet. Hardly talked, need loads of prompting etc... But as time passes by they became quite engaging, and came up with the name Super Sexy Stalkers. Long, but catchy. Oh and there's this really talkative girl called Chandni. Chatty girls are fun to talk to. You can gossip with them and bitch about and get away with it :P Thing is, our group (that is, Kelvin, JS, Naveenah and I as OOs) is rather independent. I remembered last year's orientation. Our OO would scold us non-stop coz we were really bad at doing things on time and without supervision. But this year's dress code was mostly completed by them without help from our side. That's good, at least for us. We can worry about our class tests and the Microbio prac exam without having to worry about our juniors. It was fun, but I must say the feel wasn't quite there. I mean, last year we were all enthusiastic and ready to face all sorts of humiliation and stuff and still laugh it off, being cheered by everyone and all. But this year very few people turned up for the dress code days and the lecture theater was practically empty. That was sad. Seriously. People need to re-evaluate their priorities I know, but you shouldn't just ditch the juniors. And what's worse? Juniors themselves finding excuses and not coming. Well whatever. If they regret later it's their problem, not mine. Also I'm not as enthusiastic about playing in the treasure hunt and detective games as I was last year. Perhaps I'm just getting too old. Who knows? We did get an award for being the most sporting group though, so it was all good :)

Secondly, Physical Pharmacy went quite well, if I may say so myself. I thought Microbio prac exam would be a nightmare but it's quite straightforward too. So that leaves us with Biopharm, Microbio report and Foundation Pharm presentation to settle after the CNY break. Great.

CNY was eh.... fun in a way. I didn't go house visiting this year to my relatives' house too. I seriously can't be arsed to have to explain my current predicament to everyone. And go through all that again. So I chose to stay at home. And sleep. And sleep. It's also raining constantly. In fact, it's raining even now as I write this. Someone ought to go and tell the rain clouds off for being a spoilsport. But I like this small break. It gives me a chance to just sit back, relax and steel myself for the upcoming HUGE storm after the hols. Sigh.

A New Year, A New Resolution?

Mmm, it's that time of the year again... the time where old father 2008 grabs his cane and waves it wildly about trying to ward off people dethroning him and hopefully the cane connects with the infantile 2009 so he gets to stay. But we all know how that story ends don't we?

Another year passes, another year older and wiser etc etc... Well I don't buy all that baloney. You can choose to stay as young as you want... in the mind and heart of course. Your body will protest in ways you cannot even begin to fathom: a creak here, a tear there, some pulled muscles and perhaps an arthritic limb or two and you'll eventually join the masses of old neglected people with toothless grins sitting alone, absent-mindedly stroking their cats. It's sad really. But that's life for you.

I kinda like the more realistic approach to the new year. Instead of being oblivious to the fact that you're slowly ageing, most ignorant people tend to choose to end the year with a bang, a countdown, a party. Sure folks, party into your grave. Don't you know it's the new in? I find that with the approach of the new year, it's time for more contemplation and recollection of the past year and what you've missed out. Perhaps also to find ways to redeem your miserable existence you call life.

I'm being slightly pessimistic aren't I? Nah, I'm alright. If you don't expect so much, you won't be so disappointed :P Better not to aim too high, in case you should happen to fall (and yes, everyone falls sooner or later) the impact won't kill you. Yes, I think being optimistic is the way to go here. Definitely.

P.S. After all that drivel about people being idiotic when they go celebrate the coming new year, I'm actually going to participate in one too. After 23 years. Odd. I must be slowly going round the bend. Wish me luck.

Reassessment of my life?

You know, it's odd how sometimes when you think you've gone on for long stretches of time without anything interesting happening to your life and you expect it to continue for some time, suddenly BAM! Things just change 180 degrees. And just when you think your life has finally assumed a form that slightly resembles the word F-U-N or even interesting, life decides to be cruel to you and takes it all away and yup, back to the age of mellow and slow moving things. Like watching ants crawl along on their little trail, looking for crumbs of food. Or watching snails slowly inch forward. And perhaps even watching tortoises crawl. Yeah that.

My life was boring, mundane, and just when I thought that things will never change it did. For a brief time at least. Sort of like how you expect how your childhood will stay static when you're still young, but you suddenly find yourself all grown up, with responsibilities and problems you never even thought you'd encounter. All through my life in IMU I wouldn't say anything interesting has ever happened in my life. Well sure there's the occasional event that might make you arch your eyebrows slightly. But nothing that makes you go WOW!

I'm being longwinded I know. And yes, something rather big did happen. In fact on several levels. First, I went and volunteered for caroling in IOI mall. Well it was a church event, but it's actually organised by a non-profitable charity organisation. And it's a HUGE thing for me since I don't do singing in public. I just don't do it. It's strange. But I guess it's not that bad when you've got others singing with you. The first time we did it it was embarassing, singing was a bit off and we were way too fast. Fast Noel Noel simply doesn't cut it. Things got much better the second time though. We were still singing faster than usual, but it has a merry feel to it. Yeah merry Holy Nights. Can't get any better. It was still fun, albeit tiring.

Secondly. The most unexpected thing happened. The batch decided to vote me as president for the Malaysian Studies project. Totally not what I wanted, and after we went to all that trouble to get someone else to be president. Someone definitely more responsible and hardworking and more suitable for the job. But there you go. Nothing I can do about it you know, unless you want me to bitch and moan like a girl. I do admit I want to do that sometimes, but you can't win em all. So just do this one thing for the next month or so and I can finally slip back into the veil of unfamiliarity, just like how it was supposed to be. Irrespective of whether I want to or not.

Also christmas shopping is making me penniless. I really need to watch my spending for the next few millenium after this. I did get a nice little cookbook for myself though :)

In the end, why am I thinking so much about this? I should just go with the flow and see where the tide takes me. Perhaps to a lovely Hawaiian tropical island. But the more probable thing is being washed up to some muddy marsh surrounded by mangroves and crocs. Yes. Sometimes I love my positive thinking. It's just so me.

The mind boggles

I often wonder what goes on in people’s minds to motivate them to do something. Why is studying so much more different than say, playing games, sleeping, reading novels or perhaps listening to music? I don’t think I can vouch for everyone but I certainly have trouble bringing myself to study. My concentration falters only after a while but I could go on and on and on if I was doing any of the latter things I talked about. I mean, the human mind is so strange. We feel ‘tired’ only after a few hours of sitting for a lecture or a dull experiment. Why then do we feel nothing of sitting in front of the PC for hours on end chatting up friends, surfing the web, gaming or even watching movies? Or are we actually tired, but we tell ourselves that we’re not? Or perhaps we ignore the signals given off by our body that we’re actually tired? Case in point, I went through just 3(?) hours of lecture and by the end of it I was ready to for lunch, tired etc etc… then when I got back to my apartment I went online and watched a movie, then surfed the web, definitely more than those measly hours I felt I was trapped, tired and wanted to just switch off. And the worst part is, I do know how important studying is. I do know how it’s going to affect my future. And yet… I still don’t have the motivation to persevere.

So the thing is… when we claim that we’re tired and in need of rest, do we really? Or do we simply tell ourselves that because the particular activity we’re doing are things we don’t enjoy doing? It’s definitely food for thought, although everyone knows why. At least to a certain degree. We all know deep down inside why this happens, but it’s not easy to explain why. It just is.

And yes, experiment today was pretty dull to be quite honest. Then again, the ‘experiment’ we had yesterday wasn’t any better so no surprise there. However, the pace for Semester 3 is much faster, and if I don’t start soon, I’ll never catch up. And then I’ll seriously have trouble later. So like it or not, bored and tired or not, I’ll have to do it somehow. Study I mean. Many rounds of repetitive poring over the same content ought to help me remember, though I have a very poor memory. At least I hope so.

What a long, strange trip it's been

Yup. Sem 3 has started and suddenly it's like everyone has gotten enlightenment or something. The lectures have been quiet, which is really odd... considering how the batch was really noisy in the past. Does it have something to do with the fact that people have started realising how hard the sem is going to be and it's only going to get harder? Or everyone just suddenly got an epiphany and wanted to improve themselves? I don't know, but personally I wanted to do better after that crazy stint with Sem 2 which nearly made me fail it. Never again, I hope.

I went and celebrated Khong Hern's birthday last night. I didn't go for the second part though, only the dinner at... Chicken Hot Pot I think. Dang, the food was awfully spicy, but it's pretty good. Except when you keep burping spicy stuff :P Anywho, updates later... when I have PRIVACY

UPDATE:
So... updates updates...

Hmm, well to be quite honest I ran out of inspiration for writing these past few days. I'm not exactly sure why that is. Perhaps I'm just getting dumber and dumber. Apparently E-jinq cooked twice this week! Which is a feat in and of itself, considering how rare his cookouts seem to be. Then again there were quite a lot of people who came for dinner everytime so I guess it's not a surprise. And the food is a welcome change from the same fare from the outside stalls everyday.

I ended up being one of the nominees for the post of emcee. And believe me, I do not want to be emcee. Not that I don't like it or anything but I think that I'm not cut out to be one, especially for an event as important as the P109 orientation. I just hope I don't get chosen and someone else who is more suited for the task to get it.

Sem 3! Are YOU ready?

Oh gosh, it's been an obscene long time since I last updated the blog wasn't it? Truth is, I really don't have the inclination to update blogs in Kuching for some reason. Probably something to do with the same routine I'm subjected to every day back there.

Surprise, surprise. There wasn't an emotional turmoil this time. Or rather there was the beginning of one, but I found out that just keeping one's mouth shut all the time helps. A lot. I just try not to reply my parents' retorts about my academic life and my uselessness and what have you. And they didn't pursue. That's how I'm probably going to handle it from now on I think.

Another pleasant surprise was finding out I passed Sem 2 after all. Was quite happy in fact. I really expected to resit the physio paper. Now we'll just have to see how bad Sem 3 is in comparison :P Oh and we're going to be seniors. Finally. I look forward to tormenting the juniors during Orientation hehe >:)

Not much update to be honest. The cats have become much larger now. And they're still filthy everytime we go visit them. Ugh!

Perhaps when the Sem starts I'll have more updates. But at the moment this is all I have to say. Pretty short for a month long hiatus huh? Oh well.

Homeward bound, again?

I'm going home again today... I think it's odd and strange that they've arranged it this way: to have to come back only to sit for one paper and then back to hols for the next 4 weeks or so. I guess it's good in a way, being able to go home and not to think too much about food. Enjoy it while I can.

This whole week has been rather unproductive. I didn't do much, if anything at all. Got bored the day after physio exam, so I went to Midvalley and walked around a bit. I didn't know Brisingr was out though, so you can imagine my surprise when I happen to stumble upon it in MPH. A VERY nice surprise for a change ^^. Pricey book though, it was RM85 or so. Only reasons I bought it was a) I'm bored shitless and b) I was been waiting for quite some time for the third installment of the Inheritance trilogy. However, I found out that there's going to be a fourth book, unlike what the author said earlier! He said it was because it was simply too long, and now it's no longer a trilogy but rather a cycle. More waiting then :( I just hope it'll be all the sweeter when it comes out.

Got to pack now, going off in a few. See you on the other side bishes! ^^

The mists of space and time retreat from my mind...

Perhaps the flow of time isn’t so hard to grasp after all. I go to the university to study, come back and do something else to pass my time, and then worry about assignments and upcoming exams. Sure procrastination is bad, but who hasn’t procrastinated before? Certainly not me.

It’s been some time since I last wrote because I thought that well, there wasn’t much to report on. I go home for the study break, study a bit here and there, enjoy myself while I can (although it’s not easy to define enjoying oneself when you’re under the watchful eyes of both your parents) and generally goof off the rest of the time. In time I came to understand that I was procrastinating, not unlike the many times I’ve been doing during the many holidays I was given right before an exam.

I’m not sure why I do it, to be quite honest. I attribute it to the strong desire to complete the first part of my miserable life; that is, to study. I’ve realised some time ago that I simply dislike the act of studying for an exam. If for some reason I can treat it not as a chore (as in, not studying) then I can put my fullest attention towards it. I guess I’m not exactly a model student then huh? :P

Alright, updates inbound. I didn’t really do much at home. I stayed upstairs most of the time since I needed to get some private space to study but it’s amazingly hot back in Kuching. Strange, you’d think that KL would be hotter but no… it’s not really, when I came back to KL it rained and rained and it was cool ALL THE WAY. Anywho. Apart from the insane heat, I tried to get some studying done, although as I said earlier not much was accomplished. And per the tradition of going home for the hols, there will definitely be a moment when my parents brought the issue of my being lazy, wanting things spoonfed, yadda yadda yadda up and yes, the usual Liverpool, the how-am-I-going-to-face-my-colleagues rant and stuff. And as usual, I cried. And cried. And wondered why I have to be subjected to this again… After that, back to normal. It’s like it never even happened. That’s how my long hols are always like. There’s this barrier between my parents and I that stopped us from completely understanding one another. That’s probably why I’m not keen on going home for the holidays, but then again what about the filial son thing? Sigh, life isn’t easy, never was roses, daisies and chocolates, never is and probably never will be. Don’t get me wrong, I love Kuching, although there really isn’t much to do there. It’s my hometown, I absolutely think Kuching food is the best bar none. But there’s always this dread whenever I go home, wondering when will the emotional floodgates open and if I can go through it again.

Coming back here to KL made life at least a little more… um, breathable. No judging people here trying to scrutinise every single little thing I do. Judging me for who I am. But the prospect of the physio exam loomed ahead like a huge tombstone. And I wasn’t prepared. Oh no I wasn’t prepared. Regardless, I went through it. Although it stung like the most vicious wasp when I looked at the questions in despair, racking my brains, trying to find a single iota of information which could possibly help me in that horrible predicament I held my head up high throughout the whole agonising process. If it comes to retaking the exam, so be it. Parents or not, I have to go through this eventually don’t I? It’s not like I haven’t gone through it before. Another scar to add to the already numerous marks from the never ending battle that is Life. No biggie. I think. God.

Next week's madness!

Understand that next week may very well be a bit out of hand since there are a few assignments to hand up. Odd huh? All I talk about is assignments, assignments and more assignments. I mean, there must be more than this in IMU right? Strangely, apart from handing up assignments, everything else seems like a blur to me. I flit into uni, float from lecture to lecture and then float back to my apartment, all the time in a daze and not soaking anything in. That's just me I guess. Studying isn't priority number 1 although it really should be.

Anywho, it has been a rather long and uneventful week. Apart from someone giving me a very nice shirt. You know who you are, so thank you very much! I really like it, and you can bet your epaulets I'm going to wear it. Loads of assignments and Foundation Pharmacy draft to hand up, so got to pick up the pace!

What would YOU have done if you can turn back time?

I've always wondered how things would have been had things been simpler. What would have happened if the thread I have now taken had never existed? What if I was not meant to come to IMU? Would everything have been different then? Would I be happier? Would my worries be less burdensome than it is now? Sometimes I wish I had the power to turn back time and restart, rewind, knowing what would have happened in the future and perhaps changing ways to prevent these things from happening.

Then I think about my current life versus what could have been. Sure, I would have been in fourth year by now, studying medicine instead of moping about second semester in pharmacy. But would I have been satisfied with my life? Perhaps I would. I did love Liverpool after all. But my social life had been almost nonexistent there. Only a small circle of friends. And small means like 1 or 2. Which means that just perhaps I ended up more complete back here in Malaysia. However, I simply don't like the weather and the political situation here. Sigh, dilemmas.

I don't want to think too much about it, but I do feel sad sometimes. A bit disconnected from the rest of the batch no matter how nice I was being treated and everything. It's simply not right, it's simply not where I'm SUPPOSED to be. I'm 23, I'm not 21 or 20, 19 or even 18. The age gap is there, and you can't change nor hide it. At least not for long. Perhaps the question I should ask myself now is... am I fulfilled here? Do I feel more satisfied here compared to Liverpool? It's a hard question to answer, and I don't think I can answer it anytime soon. This requires some pondering over, and I'm just too tired to care. The question will always be at the back of my mind though, so I guess it'll haunt me till the day I die.

Well, emo things aside, the week was rather tiring. I had to go to and fro from uni to Sunway on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday so I could accompany my family and shop at the same time. I didn't exactly buy a lot of stuff, just a pair of three quarter pants, a pair of jeans, a T-shirt(shirt?) and a pair of Reebok shoes. I did have nice meals though, was quite a change from the usual mamak fare, Indian food as well as the cafeteria food (though I haven't had cafeteria food for some time). Everything went well enough, I'm not sure when we can have another family outing like this. I don't think it'll be easy to do in the future. So enjoy while we can :)

I also had an unexpected call to go for the debate training on Thursday! I tried to forget to go on Wednesday, thinking I'd pulled it off when no one called or anything. Little did I know they changed it to Thursday. And as usual, I got the last minute notice, saying that I should go for the greater glory yadda yadda... As reluctant as I feel I have to do my duty, so off I went. The motion was weird to say the least: The house would like to ban all websites that glorify eating disorders. And we get to be the opening government. Nothing worse than that really. It was hard to set the scene, so we decided Japan, although we realised much later that that was a bad idea, very bad idea. Oh well, my first time at being opening government, so n00bs are n00bs. We were placed 3rd so it wasn't TOO bad.

I also went for Bak Kut Teh after LG tonight. It was quite good, although they ran out of the kueh. One thing though, it was rather pricey for the amount given. In fact, I wasn't half full when I got out of there. Just goes to show the ripple effect of the increasing petrol price I guess. Everything and everyone suffers. Consumers the most especially. Hopefully the price drops soon. I really can't stand the price of things these days. Makes me want to hurt someone. Bad.

The storm has passed, or has it?

Well, the mini storm has subsided somewhat, but who's to say it won't come back fiercer than ever? The point is, Bioscience class test has ended, and although I don't want to count my chickens before they hatch I do want to say that I'm cautiously confident of being able to pass it, and that means less worrying about EoS. Then again, I did specifically say 'cautiously'.

In short, I had no idea anyone can possibly make a simple genetics subject into a paper so difficult 1 hour for 40 questions wasn't quite enough to figure things out. And it was all MCQs! Was a nightmare tbqh, and I didn't go prepared. Well, the luxury only extends so far as to this semester. Next I'll have to work harder or I'm screwed.

Main event coming up soon. I'm going to meet my parents in Sunway later. But it'll have to be later since I have classes till 5. Time to eat nice foods and go shopping (hopefully!) so yeah, it'll be nice :) And plus I get to skip the debate thing so it's definitely a win-win situation.

Wish me luck now! :D

Wedding ceremonies are the shiz?

Bees knees people! And I mean it. It's been an awfully long time since I last updated. Yes, I know it's my fault for being lazy and all, but I was simply too weary these past few days. Not that that statement meant much since I don't really have much to do, but I just feel tired. Perhaps it has something to do with rushing assignments, bringing myself to go for the debate practice and the upcoming Bioscience class test (which I have hardly prepared for and I don't know how in God's name am I going to be able to pass, let alone do well). But that's neither here nor there. All in a day's work really. You get a bit bipolar and manic but try to seek inner peace and calm later. Might work or you might just be wasting your time trying to meditate. Hey, whatever works man.

But back to the main topic. Apparently Fauzi and Izyan are doing the whole formal wedding ceremony thing down in (of all places) Sri Petaling! There is absolutely NO reason for missing this out. So I didn't of course. Strange since they already did the nikah and everything last year. Oh well, I didn't get a chance to go then and now I did yay! I went with Dilin though. She contacted me and everything so I have company. I might otherwise be a bit freaked out to go alone, not knowing what to do. Pleasant surprise when I saw a few of my classmates there too! :D And my IRP group members, how nice. Nida was there, as was Hannah, Aliaa, Goh, Zulaikha et al. I got to say congrats to the happy couple too hehe.

Oh yeah back to grinding for Bioscience now, not much time to chit chat. Pics will have to come later when I can upload from school (connex at vista is shit and you know it!)

Vigilance is key people!

You know, today's been rather... um, free. Apart from the Foundation Pharmacy thing in the morning there's nothing till later on. And yup you guessed it, it's the wonderful BM. The ATM wasn't working and I'm getting broke... great things come in twos and threes I suppose.

Still, nothing out of the ordinary. I had Starbucks last night. The usual Grande Chocolate Cream Chip Frap. I ended up spilling quite a lot of things about my family to Kah Yee. That wasn't very nice actually. Perhaps I should just keep quiet. Anyway. That's all in the past now.

I have to finish my Malay assignment now. Perhaps I'll write a longer thing later. Oh yes, and vigilance IS key. Sleepless vigils too.

Dazed and Angsty

Gosh, so many negative titles I've made in the course of this whole blog. Nevertheless, you can't run away from all these problems, they simply happen. And you have to face it headon sometimes. Even if it's a huge train with an enormous gaping maw about to swallow you up, you have to plant your two puny feet down on the gravelly tracks and brandish that small pocket knife out and have faith.

Last night I debated for the first time in my life. It was just a training of sorts, and the title was Allowing Gay Couples to Adopt Children. I so happen to be on the closing opposition side and I was entrusted with the task of being the whip. It all sounds fine and dandy, with one exception: I have NEVER debated before. So it simply doesn't help that I have no idea what to say, it also makes things worse when I stand in front of everyone and I get this stagefright thing (hence the train analogy earlier). But I did it. I talked for 7 minutes somehow, although I'm pretty sure I didn't understand what I was blabbing my mouth off about. And judging by the looks of the rest of the members, I didn't think they knew what I was talking about either. It's only natural for them to cheer newbies on though, so they said something along the lines of "It was good for a first try and all that" but anyone with half a brain knows that means "Gosh, that sucked. But since you're a n00b, you get to get away with it... for now". So yeah. Next time I'm pretty sure things won't be so pretty.

Oh and things got better and better. I developed this mother of a headache. Plus it didn't wear off the next morning so I couldn't get out of bed and go for English class. I didn't have much of a choice except to skip it I guess. Things did get slightly better with more rest, but there was still this slight dull throbbing pain, which made me slightly dizzy and I've practically been going around with a dazed look on my face. [Watch out, oops! Sorry, didn't mean to do that]

Also we're rushing with the Statistical CAL Assignment. Don't do things at the last minute people! It never pays off. We slaved away in the ELAB 1 for hours with blank faces, trying our best to squeeze any form of idea into our meagre heads. But honestly, how much can you squeeze out of a brain the size of a chickpea? So the next logical step is to put everything we've learnt into some form of coherent data, as long as there's loads of words and numbers it'll do. Relevance and practicality can fly out the window for all I care. In the end we did it though. I really couldn't care two pence what I got as long as I've submitted the idiotic thing.

Tomorrow we're going to be doing the Physio Experiment. I really do hope everything goes well or I'll go nuts. Peanuts shelled by fat monkeys. With chickpeas for brains. And featuring Barbara Streisand with leopardskin hotpants. I think I'd best stop writing for a while. Rambling off without any meaning means that I need rest. Badly.