Yay, another one bites the dust!

At this rate, I have all but given up on the whole relationship game. It's too tiring to chase after the proverbial carrot. This rigmarole is tiring, to say the least. It's no wonder some people choose to be single for life. What's the point of seeking only to be disappointed time and again? I'm sure it's not healthy to have your hope and heart shredded like tissue paper. Every time it fails, the light of hope grows just that bit dimmer, until nothing is left but bitterness and jadedness.

And you know what is the best part? I didn't even initiate, most of them are initiated by the other party. Which is why I know for sure most people are manipulative, calculative and liars.

But why do we still do it? Why still chase after that happy ever after that never ever happens, except in fairy tales? Is it the intrinsic desire to settle down and have a pillar to lean onto? The other half who will support you through every obstacle in life and still accepts all your weaknesses and imperfections? The instinct to band together as a family unit?

As I grow older, the desire and want for a stable relationship grows stronger, and I hate myself for that weakness. Yes, I call it a WEAKNESS. Because that's what it is. We should be able to forge our own path without having to rely on others. I'm still searching for a way out of this. The ultimate method of allowing me to escape this desire that's causing me so much heartbreak. Is it even possible to find it?

Like a fool, I was the one who kept striving to maintain the spark going. An acquaintance was right; everyone is a bastard, don't give your heart to any of them, you'll be sorry. I disagreed wholeheartedly with him at the time; I'm sure that's not true. I'm sure there are decent folk out there who look beyond the superficial. Boy was I wrong.

The downhill pattern is always the same: it starts with excuses. Lots and lots of excuses. And you wonder if the excuses are legit, real. And you foolishly give them the benefit of the doubt. Surely they wouldn't lie to you... would they? Oh yes they would. To appear as the angel. You know, spare the other party's feelings. Don't let them down harshly. All lies. Lies upon lies. In truth, the lies and excuses are a coping mechanism for the disinterested party who probably had found another person. It makes them feel justified. A better person. Not a lying cheat.

And their friends are no better really. You wonder if talking to their friends gives an insight into their mind. But to be honest, there's a reason those are their friends, not yours. They look out for the other person's interests, not yours. Because why would they? They're not your friends. Not truly. So even after all the "pep talks", the "advice", you still wonder if they, advising you to just give up, are doing it because they disapprove of you and want the other party to leave you behind or it's genuine. Because them asking you to give up so soon seriously sets off alarm bells in my head.

At the end of the day, yes, it is complicated. Yes, I still foolishly want to find happiness for myself. Yes, it hurts like a truck hit my chest when I found out that it failed. Again. But I still have hope. Albeit a rapidly dimming one. I hope I find someone before that feeble ray disappears completely.

P.S. I went to gym to accompany you, you selfish asshole. I made sure to make time for you, even when I'm tired as hell after work, even when I was going to have to do the night shift. Thanks a lot for your time. Not that it was a lot to begin with.

A month and a half ago, a confused nerdy boy was randomly searching for activity feeds on OkC. He just happened to come across a random picture and clicked on it. He didn't think much of it and went on his way.

The next day, there was a message for him from the other person. Let's call this person X. X made casual conversation and Mr Nerdy boy thought "Hey, this isn't too bad. I seem to be able to converse well with X! Let's see where this goes."

And so things progressed to using Whatsapp chat; the chat interface for OkC wasn't very inspired nor user friendly. There was a lot of banter and chat and some... dare he think it?... flirtation going on. X wrote some suggestive things which made Mr Nerd happy and was reciprocated. This banter happened daily and it made Mr Nerd think that there might be hope for a relationship down the line. X mentioned that they are from Penang, and Mr Nerd made it clear that he wanted to visit and perhaps grab a coffee together, and see how things go. There was a bit of hesitation from X because they were afraid of not being able to be an accommodating host. And so, Mr Nerd agreed with postponing and waiting till a month or two later. There were occasional minor disagreements, such as dogs vs cats and such trifle issues.

One month passed... things were going swimmingly, or so Mr Nerd thinks. Just a few days after Mr Nerd's birthday, Mr Nerd made a passing remark about what X likes in a person. X mentioned that they like confidence, a good command of English and some form of stability, and that Mr Nerd fulfills two of the three requirements. "But confidence is hard to come by... My childhood isn't the best and it's made me who I am today", laments Mr Nerd. "I need time to build confidence." Mr Nerd thought it was just another chat. Little did he know that that was the beginning of the End.

Over the next couple of days, X became more and more distant. They replied Mr Nerd's chats less and less frequently. Hours would fly by before any replies were given, and even then, short answers; mostly of the "lolol" and "hahahaha" variety.

This confused Mr Nerd to no end. What's going on? He tried to get some clarification but not being too direct and confrontational. However all he got was deflection and avoidance. Mr Nerd still really really really really really really like X so he gave them the benefit of the doubt. Is X in trouble? Are they under a lot of stress? Problems? He tried asking but received no answers. All he got was that X was busy, had a lot on their plate just now and needed some space alone. And so Mr Nerd tried to give X just that. In the meantime, brief messages still occurred.

A fortnight later, messages were not even going through on Whatsapp anymore. Only sporadically do messages go through, and just like before short answers were given. Mr Nerd by now was having panic attacks and getting depressed. What did I do wrong? Is it me? Did I offend X in any way? Mr Nerd knew deep down that it's over and somehow X does not care for Mr Nerd anymore.

And so The Day of Reckoning came. Mr Nerd, unable to contain his sadness and confusion and depression any longer (it's affecting his work), wrote a heartfelt message asking for some form of clarification.

X wrote back saying that they really are busy, had a lot on their plate. And that they think Mr Nerd might be too clingy and wondered if Mr Nerd was possessive by nature. They also mentioned that they had experienced two LDRs before and it's made them jaded about LDR and that they thought they agreed that this wasn't going to be anything serious and to look for other people in their lives, and that they want to keep it casual and as friends.

And that was when Mr Nerd's world crashed and burned around him. He didn't understand: did X really meant all that from the beginning? Then why the whole rigmarole with the banter, the flirtations and remarks saying they like him? Mr Nerd simply wrote thanks for the clarification and that he's happy to stay as friends. But deep down he is really hurt, really confused and feeling dead and hollow inside. Did X find someone else? Was that it? It would explain the sudden 180.

I can't do it anymore, I really can't. I liked X so much. I want to cry, just to let out my rage and anger and disappointment and confusion but the tears won't come. I want to find someone to talk to, just to vent and pour my heart out but I have no one.... This is the first time I have felt like this about anyone. And it hurts. So much. My heart feels like it's been shredded and gone through a mandolin and then blended. And so I pour my heart out here, because this is the only avenue left.